He then proceeded to delete me from his skype contacts 10 days later, and he went back (he had deleted his account when he was with me) on the dating website where we had originally met (I have cancelled my own account there). It isnt rationalizing it all away by thinking the persons bad childhood is the reason the person is a bad person. In practical terms, though, I found that when I was getting tied up in knots about it in prayer and so on, it helped to say Please forgive them on my behalf, because I cant and then leave it. Its been several months and I still miss him and his daughter. I think he may have acondition of sorts, he reminds me of the guys on Big Bang theory. It also doesn't necessarily mean making up with the person who caused the harm. Narc with more baggage than an airport. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y Dear ReadyForChange, your reply to the AC was SO self-possessed that he had to escalate his make her feel rejected plan. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. Even with her hip replacement and all the other physical and health issues she has, I dont even feel sorry for her. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. He contacted me online in May, we got to talk on skype quite a lot and made phone calls. Probably a Narc, with more baggage than an airport. If he could correct his situation he would and I know he feels worse about it than I do. I have to learn to forgive me for not being beautiful, desirable enough to get a high quality dude to actually want to live here with me. But, its OK. They dont even know why they do what they do but keep far far away from this toxic narc. Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. In a word. I used to give to both ACs too many chances, did they change, did I change?! Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. Tinkerbell People date those they work with, who go to the same church, the same college, friends of friends, and neighbours. I need to leave it alone, and stop feeling like I have to DO SOMETHING. I second guessed myself, I felt guilty and ashamed and I believed him when he said that I was inadequate and wouldnt be able to cope as a mother to my children. Its so elementary but I hadnt thought of what you said, at least not in that way. Thank you. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. Grudges are a form of punishment. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. Be grateful he is gone and you dodged a bullet. I was totally mesmerized. Oh lizzp, never intended to say the new guy doesnt have feelings! Hi Rosie! You made the right decision. I too agree we should avoid hurting others the way weve been hurt. Probably just enough self respect to pull me away from 9+ months with a sociopath. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! I dont want to be around YOU. Thank you. Sign up for notifications from Insider! But it was so OTT at times, that I began making funny faces and blushing when I was with him, especially since he made no exception with me in applying his charming/seductive behavior. Not consenting or withdrawing consent, may adversely affect certain features and functions. Smart, intelligent, attractive constantly seducing women. Im the same. So you do. But working on forgiveness can lessen that act's grip on you. He gave you the truth: hes incapable of any responsibility or emotional attachment. Its a set up! Ive kept my head held high, hid behind a smile and time has made it easier but boy has he spread some lies about me. I am VERY happy for you. So we fool ourselves unless we pay 100% attention to our thoughts and actions. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out.Instead, Ive had a lot of quiet time, a few super early nights where Ive been fast asleep by 9.30, and have put myself under strict orders to stop overloading my schedule. To keep going back to someone, or anything that has proven not to be good for you, why keep going back? At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. Maybe he was just showing off to his friends, I dont know. It sounds like youre dismissing the red flags because you are attracted to him. I hadnt even realised it was there. LOL Very true.Truth be told I do miss him but after reflecting on it, I really havent done anything wrong and further more the question is ..Is this Good for me? Your last two posts have come at exactly the right moment. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. If he is a narcissist then you are feeding him. and then me saying, okay, fine, and then forgetting it all, never bringing it up, and acting like it never happened. Did I learn lessons along the way? Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. He knows. He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. With all of my relationships Im the same way. Mind, I have no idea how that applies to my situation now, so its probably best not read in the light of that. My aunt is a full-on proselytizing Catholic and it was on a bus full of Christian ladies headed to the casino that she hit me, which led me to decide to cut my visit short and take up in a hotel. Closure? Are you a good person? Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. I feel very positive about the future, whether or not that includes a relationship with a man. If anything ever went wrong in our relationship, I would do ANYTHING to make it better. Do you want to learn how to love intelligently? He told me that he might get full residence of the kids as I was a crap mum and he did 90% of their care. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. If you can truly wish someone the best without being best friends with them, you're probably not holding a grudge. I know. No-one else can do it for you or feel what you feel. How does forgiveness work when one is no longer in contact with them? I wanted to emphasize that our instincts often tell us what we need to know about the guys we tend to date, and if CC feels that way towards any guy, whether its about the guy or about herself, she needs to pay attention and trust herself. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. We can have good boundaries on one thing and ridiculous ones on something closely related. Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. You can't force someone to forgive you. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. I at first could not believe what was happening and thought something must be terribly wrong with me if I feel possessive/territorial about my friends. Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences. Wtf. He never apologised. I do still have thoughts of having a final dinner with him someday, though What is wrong with me?!! I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). Or immature? Theres nothing for me to be angry about, but because Im so hung up in being a good Christian I dont want to hurt him. Amen. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. %%EOF Remember your boundaries. As such, you can follow your conscience and what you think is wise. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. Not doing it!You dont need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. For me, I dont want anyone too physically close. I work alone and am not in a relationship. This time. Fewer symptoms of depression. Is it your mother, your sister, your significant other who is toxic or shows signs of narcissism? Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. Irritability towards someone you're working to forgive is a barrier to overcoming a grudge.". Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. I could at times become quite narcissistic,using (ie disregarding/not considering) others feelings and disregarding the effect of my actions on them emotionally. , Committing to someone whos on the fence about you is betrayal of the self. If this guy is attracted to a narcissistic sadist, good riddance. "You might plan to get together with a friend or go out with your boyfriend, but then decide to cancel at the last minute, just because you don't feel right about it or aren't "up to it," Habash said. Grudges are toxic to relationships. You lost your cool over something unrelated, "We may have a grudge towards someone but pretend like things are fine; until an unrelated issue sets us off,", , a licensed marriage and family therapist and interfaith minister, told INSIDER. I know I have to make a 100% break because its painful to laugh and joke or get into stimulating convos over the phone when I know that he doesnt want to see me because hes avoiding physical intimacy. I believe his overtures to get together and willingness to have a conversation are just another attempt to hit the reset button as I allowed him to do after varying lengths of attempted NC in the past. I forgive my ex who was abusive. I miss all the warmth that was within bounds in my interaction with them and wish I could have a bit of it back without all the creepy stuff. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. Dont take your first attempt. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. I left the train feeling blessed to have run ok nto him & thinking that I wish I had known him better back in the day. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. 20 days into NC and now he write me an apologetic mail saying he is ready to do anything to try and repair the damage he has done. He told me quite a lot about himself and his issues. Ill definitely remember that. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. Okay, Nat. It breaks my heart a bit. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of Its not there. Surely ther. He does not deserve the relief he thinks he will get from having a conversation with you wherein he manipulates you to be a kind and loving person forgiving him of all his transgressions, allowing him to move into the future without a guilty conscience. Advertising revenue supports our not-for-profit mission. And the kids seem fine too. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. I thought I had had the complete menopause a year ago, but two days after he left, it seemed that my body went back to normal. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Feeling assured he aint a bad man assclown who messed me up.because im plesant to him. Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. I am an adult now, not a child who depends on her for whatever scraps she felt obligated to dole out. At certain points I have gone NC with her for extended periods of time because she hurts not only me, but EVERYONE I care about with her words. You see Magnolia, this is what I was saying before. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. Oddly, I have forgiven him and wish him no ill will. Hey, hes acting that way, why do I think its OK for him and its not OK for me??? He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. Well then, yes, I have decided that I wont ride that Ferris Wheel again.. Lizzie, sad to say, but i am anything but young, in fact I am quite old. My kid(s) see right through you. (I was afraid they would turn against me). I did fall for him and did feel an emotional connection even though he is EUM so we became friends then my feelings grew and i thought his did too and we got along much better, until he said he wasnt interested in relationship but kept emailing calling. I am to a point responsible for my looks, my lefties opinions but I am not responsible for this town though I truly wish to change it to something that functions. You might need to deal with him in relation to your child but you can do that in a business like pragmatic way. Too awkward whether its going well or going down the tubes. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. I havent posted for a while as I am doing pretty damn good, finally told him that I would not tolerate any more contact after he had said I was his friend and always would be.ahem I said, I am an ex who you cheated on, who you then asked to be the bit on the side to your new woman and who you then bullshitted about wanting to get back together withthat every word out of his mouth was a lie and I did not need or want someone in my life like that, not even as a friend and that there had come a time in my life where I had to say no to being crapped on and I was doing it now.so yep nothing heard from him in the last 7 days, long may it last but even if it doesnt I finally feel for the first time in 9 long months that I have the backbone to just ignore him now and I will no longer bury things deep like I was asked to everytime he had a bit of assclown behaviour.

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