Some could be related to body image issues, prior sexual sin, or abuse. They think they do, Men expect women to get hormone therapy to fix the hormone problem. But the giving up on relationship and each other is what happens. Im over 60 and Im learning to accept this is the way life is going to be for the rest of my life. She started losing interest when our children were youngshed be OK with sex once or twice a month, and only when she was in the mood. Post-menopausal sex, for many women, is a meal offering little flavour or nutrition. Resentment in the marriage eventually leads to conflict and arguments. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think we are all sexual beings with desire. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. She claims to always be tired anyway. There are always two sides to a story, and I dont want to paint her as an uncaring wife. Yow..I am a 32 year sober alcoholic and thought I had a slight case of ED..but the mens clinics determined thats not the case..its the flat and lifeless attitude I am getting from my wife that kind of keeps things limp. Meanwhile. I can understand why youre anxious about talking to your wife about this, but communication is the only way youll get out of this impasse. You cant really blame her, can you? I actually envy those that are single. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. 8 reasons why your wife never initiates intimacy, 5 things to do if your wife never initiates intimacy, My wife never wants to have sex 8 ways to initiate intimacy, 15 Things A Woman Can Do to Spice Up the Bedroom, How to Have Better Sex in a Marriage: 20 Helpful Tips, 30+ Best Sex Tips for Women That Drive Men Crazy, 30 Hot Sex Games for Couples to Play Tonight, 10 Helpful Tips if Youre Tired of Initiating Intimacy, 5 Benefits of Maintenance Sex for Relationships and Marriage, How Physical Relationship Before Marriage Affects Your Relationship, How Relationship Coaching for Men Can Transform Your Love, 30 Traditional and Modern Anniversary Gifts Year by Year, Relationship Bullying: Meaning, Signs and What to Do, 100 Romantic and Funny Questions to Ask Your Husband, Top 100 Wedding Registry Ideas That Can Make You Happy, 100+ Inspirational Womens Day Messages for Your Wife, 50 Fun Things For Couples To Do At Home When Bored, 100 Best International Womens Day Quotes for Your Lady, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, Sexless Marriage: Reasons, Effects & Tips To Deal With It, What To Do When You Feel No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, Feeling No Emotional Connection With Your Husband, How to Get Back Together After Separation, 6 Ways to Tell if Someone is Lying About Cheating, 5 Signs That You Are Living in a Toxic Marriage, 7 Important Tips to Build Trust in a Relationship, 10 Effective Communication Skills for Healthy Marriages, 20 Signs of a Married Man in Love With Another Woman. My wife never touches me anymore after weve had our child, Greg told us. My wife has offered to let me move on, the problem is I love her and everything else about our relationship. I hear you sister, I am only 52, husband is same age. Again, he has no interest in sex and doesnt even like me seeing him naked say getting out of the shower, or undressing, etc.. And, he remains curled up and turned away from me in bed at night. Right now Im going on over three months since shes wanted sex. Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you: Working a full-time job in addition to running household errands and caring for kids can be exhausting and stressful, so some women may simply feel too busy and overworked to have any energy for sex. Now, I just want to be wanted by her. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. My husband never had my love of sex. I am so tired of these therapists and all there lets support the one who doesnt want sex but dismiss the one who is still in love and desires romance more than anything with KEEP MASTURBATING And I suffer. I am a little older but want intimacy so bad. I was disabled when she met me, so Im it cant be because of money. Our finances have never been merged and the only money between us has been my initial investment in her business. I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. For me she is the best woman I have ever been with. BUT I agree If I was an electronic game, or a bead of some kind I would get some attention.. We have had a very good sex life up until a few years ago, and she has had many good sexual adventures. I tried to think that it was OK, I still had company and friendship. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. He needs to get his hormone levels tested as he is mostly estrogen dominant and low test. * RECOMMENDED CONFIGURATION VARIABLES: EDIT AND UNCOMMENT Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. We love them. The article itself is very weak and rehashed b.s., But the comments are priceless! Trying to feel sexual and struggle through it and pretend is so hard, and brings me only sadness that I have to pretend after years of being honest. I want to have a joyful life not just be comfortably numb. Be patient with her as she works on herself, and the two of you refocus on your marriage. We are both in our Sixties now and have been married for over 35 years and apart for a few occasions, birthdays etc my wife just hasnt been interested. Menopause can affect a woman's sexual functioning2 and overall interest in sex. Semi handsome for an old guy. Its always whatever you want then she lays there kind of tense. Addie I hate her for cheating me out of sex. Shes my buddy. Yet we are burdened with the biologically and Darwinian drive to procreate. so I started to do it. . Got lost there. Youre saying I love her, etc etc and she couldnt care less? I do raise the issue with her from time to time. I only wrote this, to just say it. Too much trouble. What do you think a man can do and should do in these cases ??? I feel like its just my life now. Is the meds freak Im a woman that actually wants it my newlywed husband has no interest but I can tell he feels bad but hes ex military so hes to prideful to get pills Im 41 i been told a lot that Im beautiful .. ok not going there but I know Im a catch but even making him food in a nighty doesnt work he says wow babe thanks am like . If youre living with a gut feeling that your wife avoids intimacy on purpose, it may be time to take matters into your hand to rejuvenate your relationship. He already said she feels bad for him so she is aware of the problem. Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? We males, as the so perceived alphas in these situations, just accept and go along with the flow without ever considering the other; the what if . The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. Send Joan your questions by emailingsexpert@seniorplanet.org. Wednesday, August 30, 2017 Its a disturbing trap that you must avoid. I have the same problem and there isnt a answer. Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. I NEED an active partner. Instead of focusing on harmful sentiments like, What to do when wife wont put out? try to work on the issues you two are having. I dont mean to downgrade the pain someone feels with this, but there are levels to everything. So as partners age, sometimes we have to stop asking for what is too painful for them to give. Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. Seems to me that sex is more important to most guys than it is for a woman. My wife of 43 years has no need for sex except very infrequently and then only quick missionary. And the source of so many sleepless nights is that person who promised to love and honor us until death dobus part and who still possess a mouth and fingers and the ability to do just that. It is one of the classic signs of a cheating wife and if your gut tells you somethings up, it may be worth investigating it a bit further. I just dont understand. Be the man who won her heart! Men must risk themselves, including sacrificing their own lives if necessary, to protect the women and children in their care. Whenever equality or egalitarianism gets discussed in the context of marriage, you can be sure this will involve benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that men have that ought to be shared equally with women and not benefits/advantages, whether natural or societal, that women have that ought to be shared equally with men. I have kept fit and kept busy. Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. That was the best written, most solid commentary on this subject Ive ever read. Oh stfu. She isnt enthusiastic about that idea. Im not convinced of this because he does not even initiate a kiss. But how does that viewpoint help you find happiness in life? He is suffering from a mental health issue. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); I need to be held by a mature woman and caressed and brought to orgasm. Wtf do you think he has been doing. Like I have a total stranger as a house guest. 80s, are victims of the same injustice and gender paradigms you are experiencing. married 57 years. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. If his wife doesn't want to meet those needs, she should support him getting them met elsewhere or just set him free . 5 minutes of his time now and again isnt much to ask! Just need the fortitude to go. For a woman, as she ages, she needs time to get into that sexual mindset and anticipation is a great aphrodisiac. You are so right. I dont know what to do! He is unhappy with the state of your relationship. Are you in a similar place in your relationship? And lastly, dont discount masturbation as a solution. Right. Knowing I will never be wanted again in that way by her or any woman corrodes my spirit a little more each day. I will do what makes me happy because obviously no one else will. People need to be kept warmed up all the time before things can get hot again, they need to feel wanted, appreciated and valued before they actually want sex and are in the mood for sex. Foreplay isnt just in the bedroom before sex. By the way, I love, desire, and adore my husband, but I recognize I will never have my needs met after almost 50 years. My (50m) wife (48f) and I had a great sexual relationship for most of our marriage. Your wife has become conscious of her body, 8. Intimacy isnt about sex, its about being close in more ways than sexually. If she isnt satisfied in bed, it could be that shes tired of initiating intimacy only to be left wanting. Im just not happy & want much more for in life. Please explain to me. She basically views it as an immature fixation and that as a married man I should concentrate on more important things. But its not worth destroying something that you took years to build. Juggling household and professional responsibilities single-handedly is no easy feat. We are 64 years old and havent had sex for 3 1/2 years. Now masturbation does not work so well. Sure. Working with a therapist will help you learn to ask her how she prefers to be touched and help empower her to guide you. When hes not writing or advising people on how to thrive in their relationships, he loves exploring new places with his partner, working out, and pretending that hes good at cooking exotic stuff. After reading most of the above letters I have come to the conclusion that married couples, for the most part, have all entered into relationships, never having the correct training. If you notice your wife acting awkward or becoming extremely tense when you try to touch her, it means she is not liking the fact that you are being physical. No way you are real!!! God as our designer and maker knows what is best for us. I agree, there is more going on than just someone spending all their time doing other things. But, you must remember that this rejection of your sexual advances is often triggered by some underlying reasons. I retired early to get Medicare and redusece medical expenses. My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. She doesnt complain about helping me out but intercourse is quite painful for her and I dont want to press it if shes in pain. She said I was harassing her and that if I was so horny and needy, I should find someone else to relieve myself, but whatever, to stop harassing her. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. Youre the only one here who gets the dynamic. The sooner you understand what it is youre going through, the quicker youll be able to address it. I say bullshit to every man and women experiencing no sex in a relationship if they want it with their partner. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. We stopped having sex ten years ago, she wont talk about it. I see a divorce in the near future. We lost our virginity to each other well before our marriage so often, in fact, that on our wedding night we decided we were too tired from the events of the week and just went to bed to sleep. I am planning a divorce, as I wont live out the remaining 20-30 years of my life without love and affection. As for porn, I dont mind it at all when he watches it (though he thinks I never see him), after all, we are all human and have drives and needs. Jos!! I have tried joint with promises of renewal and never worked. Or some reasons could be the female body experiencing pain, limitations, hormonal imbalances, etc. Its not all about sex its about intimacy, and that is missing. I have noticed in the last two months that most forms of affection have dissapeared. I wish you well and hope you find some consolation I found a wonderful woman gynecologist, and she put me on low dose hormone therapy. 3. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! Many seniors are in the same situation and we feel your pain. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. ), then it's worth her talking to her doctor. Frankly; its time to move on and out . Shes taking care of the house and shes working as well. I think my wife [67] realises that with my having ED she no longer has any potential competition so isnt obliged to have sex because I wont be strayingand I dont want her to feel obliged,thats as bad as no sex,so the answer, literally, is in my own hands, my husband has done too many drugs and cant get it up its been six years i need sex. I can easily live without sex, but I cannot live without love. I asked her how long will this take for you to get over this panic stuff. Hes changing tooisnt capable of long walks or hikes anymore, which is still something I love to do. I do not understand why they got married in the first place!!! Were a distinctive, diverse collection of people aged 60 and older who are busy changing the way we age by embracing opportunities to reshape our lives, connect with and help one another, and change the world for the better all while learning, growing, and having fun! Perfectly happy and have intention to change it. Over 12 years no sexual contact. messages where she was being flirtatious to a local musician . But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4555290/, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282, http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2707786/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/. stop insultiing cats. And its been going that way for years. I am 53 and my wife is 55. I domt have to put up with that. Over the years this causes deep anger and then revulsion in the female. Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. I still love my wife dearly and I am committed to her but I have to take care of myself. !life is def funny!! She wants no part of it. We try not to get in each others way and we havent had a conversation in years. Mayo clinic advises to avoid, because they are not FDA approved and because they didn;t go the pathway of long term human trials are to be avoided. Before the ink was dry on the marriage license, shed already decided she was done being nice. Im too tired. So Mike, I dont know what to say. I love him as much as the air I breathe, but I just wish he would realize Im suffering and offer that its ok for me to have some on the side. I guess my story isnt as bad as many. Because I have no suggestions as to how to change things. You should be glad that your wife is still with you your ass would have been out the door the first time you ever tried to tell me what to do oh and by the way Ive been married 20 years and my husband has NEVER told me what to do we both have great paying jobs and are very independent I have a Daddy and he stopped telling me what to do when I was 17. No way! I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! More than once, our perfunctory mutual masturbation sessions were unsuccessful for me because I couldnt get hard. Thomas, I agree! Whatever it is, the impact for you is that you don't feel loved or cared about the same. Shame on all you women who have men that are committed and loving to you!! I just dont get it. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. For the past eight years it has been like I am married to my sister. And yes thank goodness for self stimulation but what I wouldnt give for a womans touch!!! ( Keep cardio to a minimum and stay away from the weight machines) I kid you not. Do we risk our grown children finding out and not understanding? If shes willing, find a therapist who will help you and your wife talk about this and really listen to each otherand if she wont go, go on your own. Guys. Only your wife herself can tell you the exact reason why she's not interested in having sex with you. Wtf are we supposed to do when our spouse doesnt want to make love? I want to turn things around and not give up but its a huge blow to what I thought marriage and my life would be. I said well, (while pointing to my head) by the time you heal I will have checked out up here, I will be looking at women and wondering if they would be fun to be with. So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. And LATINA. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. , checking in with yourself is also good. She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. Weve been in counseling for a year. Some doctors will prescribe testosterone and advise DHEA supplementation. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? It wont fix the sexless marriage. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. If his wife refuses to explore solutions he will need to tell her the following. We dont really argue and enjoy each others company. He has no interest. Stay single, young men, Marriage is not for you. I love my wife dearly after 52 years and great grandchildren I would have my junk removed before I hurt my family and our long marriage is a point of great pride and example for these people God allowed us to have in our lives. Make your own porn and watch that. Agree, I have accepted the fact Im now in a sexless marriage, ugh! Another reason my wife never initiates physical contact may be due to hormonal changes. If you have a hunch your wife is dealing with body image issues, gently bring it up with her, and see if there are ways you can support herwithout making it seem like you're critiquing her body or suggesting she needs to change the way she looks. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! Some nice and some angry! Ive just seen this ,not sure when posted .ive tried so hard to get wife to have sex .she says menopause.then I gave up.but other we I had a beer and told her how I felt .silly beer a..so she been trying to start sex but my body has closed down to her .im worried ive turned off to her mentally.I do love her but shes noticed im not getting aroused like I used too .and now shes saying I prefer porn, but its how ive got by for so long.its really .mested up.im 53sorry. Due to bi-polar, I have had a strong sex drive since I can remember. Anyway, I simply want you to know that as many women as men are trapped in this sadness. Why do men who want more sex end up insulting someone who has a pet? My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. Im considering leaving altogether and realize it will put a financial strain on both of us although we have significant cash equity in our home which can make it much easier in retirement. Im 77 and if I felt my husband was dissatisfied with our sexless, but not loveless, marriage, Id choose to be single. Here is what the problem is when it comes to SEX. Back issues and menopause have completely removed my interest in sex. Rich B, I am 64 and my wife has withheld sex with me for the the last 5 years. Womens sex drives are based on fulfilling other non sexual needs such as wedding, marriage, home ownership, babies, cars, money etc etc. Sounds like case of no money no honey. Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship? I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. . It literally saved my marriage and maybe my life. Agree Sean. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses. If your wife is going to have any appropriate romance in her life, its going to come from you. I didnt even get a goodmorning after a month away. We still talk, but thats it. I feared marriage for tears because I knew this is what it would be. Dont fool yourself into thinking that what you say or how you say it will somehow turn her back on. This was an enlightening comment and reflects what has been my marriage for 35 years. Does your wife feel seen and heard in the relationship, or is she never in the mood because she usually feels overlooked? So much hurt involved, and guilt. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. If done with the full knowledge of both partners, and always using safe sex, this would provide another solution to their dilemma. I want that back in my life as well! If your penis does not work, attempt to fix it. Still in love with Vicky. I had four children from a previous marriage, I had a tubal ligation reversal so we could have a child of our own, By serious good luck, we had one. But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. We have had little to no connection with them since. by *someone!! Let them know how their refusal to engage with you sexually has affected you emotionally, physically, mentally and pyschologically. Divorced quickly. I said no. Ive tried suggesting a date, but its hard to find something she wants to do or doesnt cost too much. Mens sexual needs are purely physical and need to be fulfilled regularly. If 2 people really love love,then they will find ways to please each other. I could do as well financially as a single person and there are women who would be happy with what I can provide, both financially and intimately. And really dont know what to do. This is the best I have read. Now the difficult part. Noah loves to write on matters of the heart and mind. I feel I am too old to move on by myself, most everything in our relationship is good, but sex is very bad. But from a womans standpoint, we need emotional love BIG TIME before we can go there. Someone on the side. Harley, I am doing none of those things. In recent times, our sex life has begun to resemble our early 20s again, even better because contraception is in the rearview mirror. First few years sex was great. Gopa explains how such mental health issues can affect your physical intimacy. Men are not mind readers. She sleeps in the other room. But. My opinion only, so, most likely only worthy in my estimation. I *must* woo my wife, always. They have cheated on us with themselves and their selfishness! As far as the guy I liked, nothing ever came of it. 3. Sometimes I wish he would go. If sex is becoming harder, less pleasurable, or more painful to have, it makes sense that a woman may lose interest in having it at all. We have talked and talked with and without therapist, but its just talk. I feel so much pain amd resentment!!! First, that every interaction will be based on trust. Or a genuine, romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach exchange? My wife and my sex life was pretty damn good before she developed breast cancer and had a double mastectomy, even though she went through early menopause (in her 40s). Stay with it, work on it with her. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and, Love Hormones Unraveling the Veracity of the Science of Love. WFT. I have tried to have a heartfelt conversation but he is not willing to talk about it. Married 50years and our sex life never really got going. Sadly so, leave! Just get out Stan. var disqus_config = function () { I miss the simple things. This kind of if the man would only be more __ advice saturates the internet and its usually written by people with degrees instead of wisdom. You are so right, I should leave but feel guilty, leaving over sex. I am not the same, never will be. There is some offensiveness directed towards men but I can benefit from your observations. Unfortunately I dont, as it seems were merely friends but certainly not lovers! I have often thought about having an affair but I just dont know how to approach going that direction. Think before you do what you do. Married 30 years now. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. When having sex she has to do most of the work especially when it takes him 45 minutes to get hard and all she wants to do is go to sleep because tommorow will come before she knows it or if one of the kids wakes up because they couldnt sleep or they are sick. As far as foreplay goes, either I dont know how to do it or she doesnt like to be touched unless she is in the mood. Want to know why? she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. Have some fun with someone now and then would help .. any reply on if cheating what to look at to find someone Where???? While its good to get to the root of the problem so you can resume a healthy. Laura. If that is in fact part of the problem, then there nothing that I can do or hope to do. When the support isnt there, the emotional intimacy and the physical intimacy are going to suffer. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. Here are some reasons you can try if your wife doesnt initiate intimacy with you and you want her to be intimate. I dont know where to start. After my heart surgery 2 years ago for the same valve, we found the same surgeon who repaired it robotically and I was able to care for her pneumonia 2 weeks later and a year later heart failure, improved by a TAVR Aortic valve replacement last spring.

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