My siblings insist on maintaining friends on face book with my ex family. Thats YOUR stuff. My son is grown and although he loves my x very much he does not care to have a relationship with my sisters. I am a very vocal person but in this situation I havent commented much on the topic to my family because I dont want the drama. Its up to my husband to say something.so I am waiting this out to see what will be said. His mom likes his ex. Some reflection on what his extended family situation is should provide you with more in depth answers. I was honest too honest! My ex was never liked by my family until we divorced & then he ingrained himself by constantly slandering me. This same scenario happens when there are NO children involved. Totally agreeits beyond crazy!! They not thinking about you, sounds like they want you to be in misery. What would you do if you just found out that your boyfriend still is friends with his ex's family? I honestly believe most of you people who pull the co-parent crap and the choose a side crap need to grow up. I sit in the bathroom sometimes for hours and need to vent or Im going to end up in a bad place. What Should I Do? I do NOT understand why family does not support family and you and your feelings should be the priority, not your ex. His family doesnt even call them on their birthday. I see people taking about you being abused emotionaly. All fell on deaf ears, instead my daughter and I were outcasts. You will need to think hard about what to say. Thank you so much for this and for me not feeling alone! If you respond yes, did you need restraining orders? Staying overly connected to ex-inlaws is about control and a lack of closure. Many times yes children are involved, and for the familys, parents and syblings who keep things friendly for the sake of the children or because, there are genuine friendships involved. We were separated and my ex stayed with my brother, that was a terrible idea. I will never have the relationship that I used to have with my family and some of them, not all, realize that boundaries would have made the whole situation a whole lot better. Maybe theres an in between for you like Ive found with my sister. I guess they just do not care about my feelings at all. Even when I tried to explain myself my explanations were then judged. Your family sounds healthy in that they did not pick up your offenses. Before you assume the worst: if he still talks to his ex-girlfriend or ex-wife, thats not necessarily bad. My family said they didnt want to get involved but they felt sorry for my ex and fed him info about me that put me and others in danger, they had him over for coffee, took him out be me I was left to fend for myself even when he threatened me and changed the locks and emptied the bank accounts. My narcissistic sisters were obnoxious to me at the funeral. As a result, staying friends with your ex's friends and family as opposed to defriending them is like pouring salt into an open wound. The hurt stays and never goes away. "text": "Even though it hurts me badly to hear of all the things my ex, my kids, and my family do together all the time, I never say anything about it to my kids. I have distanced myself from my family too. So if on his time he schedules an event ( bowling) and invites her family and they go they are allowed but I suspect once the OP hears about from her kids it will still hurt. I wish they would just cut ties with my ex already. I understand people form relationships through marriage but divorce also causes a family dynamic to change. Ten years later, I moved back home and nothing has changed. My heart aches for you. Your family should either choose you or cut them off. I dont even think he would have needed my support and my friends urged me to get a divorce and have a life, but I was in love and felt so bad for him. And how is that a suprise for his birthday? You could put that in your declination letter! I was in a 20 year verbally / emotionally abusive marriage. She gives him outrageous gifts. The guilt and grief were terrible for three weeks but easing now especially when any form of contact just brings more hurt, more condemnation of the whistle blower. To make matters worse, he got along well with my parents and sister. Whats up with that? We have children. And they have ceased contact. This hurts like hell:(. Paying for the Ex lawyer is such a betrayal in my eyes. I have cut ties with all of them now.. Its been years and Ive tried to explain to my mother that she is my EX wife and her place is with her family,not mine.. didnt work.. this has strained my relationship with everyone in my family.. Its just not the done thing. You control your response to someone. I have also found out he has told the family that I got more in the settlement than I. I went through this with my exhusband. I can honestly say there were no lies or manipulations on my part. Keep your eye on the only person you have control over you. He had his son with another woman that ended and soon after he began a relationship with his Ex. When I would express how this was affecting our children and myself. No one has the right to determine who another person has in their life. Get a new boyfriend. I havent regretted for one minute divorcing an abusive ex! I wont keep my kids (older teen boys) from thembut I dont care if the boys choosy or see them either. Its also true that within his social circle, he now keeps the door open to get back with his ex. So for the last year my ex has been invited to family things. Did your family cut ties with your exhusband? The ex does not give them a single dime otherwise and has no problem telling them he gives me good money in child support with no care to their feelings or needs (he bought himself a new $40,000 car) 4 months ago, he told my daughter that she is no longer his daughter and he never wants to see her for as long as he lives. I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now with someone I've known for about 3 years. Do you think your family are perhaps lacking in emotional intelligence? Just deal with it. Very naive and gullible. The last time was on his birthday. Well, then, it's time to change boyfriends. Reserve the next gen Samsung deviceAll you need to do is sign up with your email and boom: credit for your preorder on a new Samsung device. My ex is my daughters step dad. I feel its sooo wrong I cut ties with some family members over the same issue. The OP is now left alone and cant raise issues as they will be seen to be the difficult one, thekne causing issues, which further then paints the ex as this amazing person. If they cared, then its logic to assume that there is a gray area and they should have a conversation about your feelings beforehand. I totally understand where you are coming from! He abused me emotionally and physically. Why do you expect them to like you better than someone who they know and have a relationship for longer than you? Try and keep your relationships with your ex and your family separate when you hang out with them at some point, at least until you are ready to be around him again. A college graduation invitation was not mailed to me it was handed to me by my mother. I feel for you. Family loyalty is twisted and tricky all channelled towards leading you towards depression but be wise.consider your family as your number one enemy and adjust your trust issues. If I was the father and my sons girlfriend come to me and tell me that she doesn't want to see my precious Nina, especially on my sons birthday, I would have kicked her so fast out of the house that she wouldn't even dare asking me anything ever again. My ex lives in her rent house. Also, thanks for helping me see that Im not alone either. One thing I noticed, that no one seemed to address, is the fact its the OP with the problem. Maybe they have other reasons as well. Its possible to live a happy healthy life without your family constantly involved in your life. And move on! Ill tell my bf. Most likely not he hardly sees his children basically he a babysitter to you!!! Let them know that being treated as if you are the Ex is inappropriate and hurts. Its not that he even wanted my kids, he just wanted to take everything away from me. Im so sorry youre feeling the way you are. Please do what is best for your NEW family. Am I wrong to feel this way? You need to grow up butter cup! (She goes to bars and leaves her 2 young children alone at night age 4 and 8). I though it was good becuse children need a healthy relationship with both perents of possible. How fair is this, own family? They manipulate , blame me for everything , tried to turn my 3 children against me but kids are smart and see right through it .As well as my counselor I see for the many many years of emotional , physical ,sexual and mental abuse . But do they get excited about the same things and share those experiences with one another in a way that leaves you out in the cold? They have been broken up for over a year, and he says they no longer communicate. More of our agony aunt Coleen Nolan's advice on your sex, family, health and relationship problems, Don't miss resident agony aunt Coleen Nolan's weekly newsletter. Thanks for the sharing post on this topic. If I were you Id send this link to everyone of your family members. They still like him. Who needs enemies, when you have family like this? The question is how much more do you need to! Her ex is a deadbeat narcissist that hasnt paid a dime of support in years, yet her parents and one sibling and their spouse go out of their way to enable this guy to underperform on every level by continuing to help him out in various ways and spend time with him even paying for him and our kids to go on vacation with them when he has them. I dont feel you are in the wrong. Thats not such a big deal and nothing to worry about. But most divorces do not end up with exes hanging out with previous in-laws. I think that is the normal response and anything else is someone who likes drama, has no empathy, or in sick way makes them feel better about themselves. Im sure they were both severely depressed over my departure. Start researching!!! And have 5kids. These exes are manipulative and know how to play the victim. The only mistake she has ever made in her life was marrying her X. I try to be nice and include her in things. I sooo relate to this, thank you. Nina and Toms sister are very close so I get her being over at their house and attending family events, but it makes me bitter how much they like her. If you start and plan, you get to say who attends. last week my husband has presented me with divorce papers, It was the greatest shock of my life. Trust no man It is you against the world. And you dont have to accept invites. But dont let it split the two of you up or spoil your move. I cut ties.. cuz honestly they never had my back and I keep hearing my own family talks bad about me to them so I said bye. (Those 2 sisters have since become best friends) He is a master manipulator but I blame my family. Sounds like it to me. Gtfo with ur victim shaming. Feels great. And I personally have no problem whatsoever with him or his girl. I needed to be alone, not to find a guy. At this point, I cant wait to get married and move away; he can have the kids. I was close to my exes family but as soon as we split I naturally and respectfully kept my distance. I dont get it, he doesnt get it. I hope your victims become woke to your bullshit, and you someday accept the fact that your perceived value far exceeds your worth. Think of the benefits the kids get from this type of situation. Apparently his ex had family issues so she clung to his. I feel estranged and devastated. We have now been divorced for 10 years and I am remarried and my ex has made a point to visit and contact my parents. This is so sad to read. A divorce permanently ends a relationship, and no matter how much the sisters or parents may like the ex, they need to honor your decision. Im different in that if I have a problem I would rather be up front and discuss it so we can move on. Masini warns against trying to be friends when the breakup is fresh since the dust hasn't yet settled. It has taken 13 years, and I still have moments. I wonder how he would feel if the the tables were turned. After running to save my life and my children, losing a teenager to parental alienation because I didnt allow under age drinking, drugs, and joy riding. I give you so much credit for thinking of your kids first. My sister continues to say shes been the best sister but i beg to differ! She still claims innocence. Undoubtedly, every girl likes to view their boyfriend's family as their future-in-law, or even better, an extra family. All are grown adults, respect each others opinion to disagree. Even post-divorce for so many years, my husbands brother continues to choose his ex-wife over a relationship with his brother. On the other hand, each situation is different. My ex lives across the country with his new wife and our two adult daughters, who are going to college there. I felt a little validation there. 3. readmore Howeverother than holidays, your family has gone too far, especially with bbqs and now the girlfriend. I wonder if I should invite my family for dinner to reconnect and have my brothers ex wife there. Anyway, looking now, its been 9 years in October that we split and 6 years divorced. Sometimes, in the real world, sides have to be taken. Thats the day we all were finally able to really live and breathe. Because as a human being, you cant forget someone youve loved just like 123. It is quite apparent that your ex is doing this because he knows it is hurting you and your family is enabling him. I finally got him to move in with me and he is no longer in a dark place. He himself called me to say he declined and felt it was strange. I never said they couldnt be cordial but when my ex husband is still in the picture 9 years after he left..and he wanted to separate, divorce. They honestly thought i was crazy and my ex the victim because i had left him. Being happy is better than pretending to be while people walk over you and your feelings of toxicity. My ex told me he would take all of our friends and my family. Of stress and expectation of loyalty. From some of the things described, how painful your family is choosing your ex The result is that the family expects this and expects you to get along and make due with the relationships that you asked them to build. My exs family is very large and she lives in the same town as them. and they jump through hoops for him! I think family should support you. Their actions are just too toxic and I dont want that in my life. My family even took family pictures with my kids and my ex and I wasnt in them. I expressed displeasure. Even just stalking her and checking her photos or stories once in a while. He told me that after three days he would join me and my husband together. But do not settle for a friends with benefits (FWB) relationship with him. Ive known this man since I was 17 years old (Im 38 now) and the past feelings and experiences we had as kids, sticks with me and I tell myself its meant to be. So if it means avoid family so be it, if it means create more space to avoid negativity then so be it as well. Counseling? Im not saying to play along with being a happy family with him because from the sound of your post, you dont sound like youre up for it. My mom pushes him on my brother and his family, my aunts and uncles and anyone else she can. Im going through something similar. But they said they forgave her because she was struggling with it even though she was the one that talked of divorce first. Some people appear to be good because its a manipulative act. You cant be mad at someone just because they are liked by your family. That is also his family. :/, Did you even read the column? My parents remained very close to my brother n law and he was pallbearer at my fathers funeral. Very manipulative. No your not being unreasonable to expect loyalty from your family, getting it is anither thing. I have to accept that it will never change and make my own life as positive and happy as I can. They even fed him information and made the situation worse they actually put me in physical danger. Answer: This one is a little bit complicated because your boyfriend is basically doing the right thing by his family but it's slowly driving you crazy. People make choices. You will also actually find that we do let go we let go of the toxic people themselves and this only usually happens after years of trying to be reasonable and make things right tone er even be met half way. I dont know what to do? over you. She is his ex for a reason. My ex-husband was extremely violent with both myself and our young children; a sexual predator- meaning he prefers homosexual relationships but needs to hide behind the window dressing of a heterosexual family. I am a better person now and have grown so much. Life starts to become bl**dy brilliant. I so badly wanted them to pick sides but thats not the right thing to do. Her family is not being loving to her at all. I just want to move far away and then I have a reason I dont have to explain to kids who dont get to grow with my family. Youre not gonna like the answer to that question. But when we divorced they reached out to him to see how he was doing and not me. },{ As a 15 year marriage and family therapist, your reply is perpetuating further psychological abuse for this woman. You and only you should be the one that decides whether your ex will be at a family function. Kristin Marquet Chester, for instance, grew very close to her boyfriends' parents over the course of their year-long relationship. He kept hanging out with my brothers and cousins and even coming to some bigger family gatherings. It takes work sometimes painful work but itsi possible. React Reply Most Helpful Opinions lumos Follow Master Age: 27 , mho 55% +1 y It will not always be so hard for you. I feel compared even though my boyfriend . Especially if your goal is to continue to have a relationship with them whether or not you two are able to rekindle your romance. God Bless You. name for it? he also told me that he would have dreams about her every night and would think about her 24/7 and still cry about her when we began to go out w each other. Wow! I know what you mean I was married 27 yrs, we lost a son when he was 18 and 7 yrs later we were getting a divorce he told me I gave you so many years to straighten up and you didnt. I have not been close with my sister since that time, but were cordial in family situations, not uncomfortable. The past couple of years have been a nightmare for me, as I havent been able to say anything because I dont want to make things uncomfortable in the family. In the middle of the divorce (which was terrible and messy, full of custody battles and terrible fights) she was invited to MY familys barbecue. Yes, my ex and my mom still talk and text all the time still go out go lunch things like that.. My sister in law would not even know the woman!! Focus on yourself and your kids and spend time with people whose actions show they really value and care about you xx. My brother was furious theyd made some kind of back handed gesture that blamed him. Im still dealing with the bitterness particularly from my mother that she can not let go of. this is clearly just a lack of boundaries,and it is horrible, sorry I can relate! If your boyfriend isn't very close to his family, he may not think a proper introduction is truly necessary. And it DOES NOT mean that he wants to go back together with her either. His family is very traditional. Im going thru the same thing right now. My family. Her ex is living a lie to this day and he has no remorse for his actions past or presentjust continues on in his fantasy world. They chose to be friends with him because he was closer. The best thing for your children is to see 2 loving parents despite circumstances. There is no jealousy because my partner knows that we are totally platonic, and that comfort came about after a series of frank and honest conversations. I tried to get them to have a relationship with him. They tell me that hes still family because of all the time we spent together, but I got completely cut off from his family and yet I still have to share family gatherings on my side with him. Pretty insensitive dont you think? Once you are in a relationship with a new person, still having photos of your ex is a big red flag. It must be very frustrating and painful for this lady . To be clear, I do not pity you at all.